As I peer through my review view mirror, I can't help but feel like I'm in a horror movie. So close to sanctuary but unable to get there because of the monsters than stand between us. Even as I type on my phone, I do so under the cover of my cardigan to try and reduce any glare that would bring attention to me. Think back to that scene in the first Jurassic park movie where that girl can't turn off the torch in the car and the T- Rex is drawing ever closer to her. I am in the exact same situation! One of these junk food junkies has even come as a dinosaur. It may be Barney, but I don't trust him for a minute! He says he loves you now, but wait until he's coming down from that sugar high!
I've now been sat in my car for 15 minutes. I'm not sure if it's safe to come out as I have lost sight of the group. I can make a run for my door, but what if they're hiding and jump out at the last minute? Or see me go in and then start ringing the door bell for goodies.
NGOZI DOESN'T SHARE!!!
Okay they just walked past my car, I actually held my breath and stayed so still that they probably thought their Medusa character had already got to me. As I run up to my house, I see all the lights go out. I have about a microsecond to figure out whether this is the work of the children of the damned or whether me and my house mate are just so in tune that she got to the lights before I did.
Its just dawned on me that Halloween has fallen on a Friday this year. In previous years, you can relax knowing that by 9pm, most kids will be getting tucked into bed, ready for school the next morning. But it's the freakin weekend! They probably don't even have a bed time. And fuelled by the sugar they've collected, they'll be able to go on for even longer! :-(
My stomach grumbles as I look into the kitchen and realise that I have nothing for dinner. Now I'm stuck. If I order takeaway, I run the risk of opening the door to a kid who has the nerve to threaten me if I refuse to give it sweets. What happened to good manners?! Even annoying organisations give you something! Those leaflets are good make shift coasters from time to time!
I don't even have sweets to give out. Ironically, I do have eggs though. But what a slap in the face that would be if my house gets decorated with my own eggs. I worked for those eggs! Sainsburys basic or not, they aren't free!
Surely I'm doing them a favour by not giving out sweets. Think of the money the NHS will save on treating obesity and decaying teeth. I should be given flowers, not egged! Hmm maybe if I start that speech at the front door, people will be driven away by boredom and word will get round to avoid my house. Okay, dinner has been saved! This plan is clearly foolproof.
And it's the one day of the year where no one will question you being in disguise. I'm surprised places don't get looted on Halloween. All you have to do is google the most popular halloween costumes. You can rob anywhere and just blend in with the crowd. Good luck being identified. And who will take a victim seriously if they said 'Batman just stole my handbag'. What an idiot! Everyone knows that Batman only goes after the bad guys. And he's so rich, that what would he do with your bag anyways?! Police close the case and the next day you can rock your new Michael Kors bag.
It could be a day for getting things out of your system. That colleague that's been annoying you, throw on your costume, knock on their door, and smash an egg right in their face. It's like the purge!
My friend was going to dress up as a character from Breaking Bad and got a Hazmat suit but with the Ebola crisis, he's been rethinking his options. Additionally, because he's actually a doctor some people might believe he's seriously contracted the disease. But it's kind of perfect...you can scare people into giving things to you. Just come close to them and stroke their bags or phones whilst simultaneously clutching your stomach and they'll probably just drop them right into your hands and run away. The Police wouldn't be able to arrest you because 1) You didn't steal, they gave it to you and 2) They don't have the correct protective gear or holding cell.
Change of plan. I'm going to turn every light on in my house and wait by the door. With our cunning ways, these smarties loving smart asses and me could take over the world!