As I read my friend's piece, I found myself laughing so loudly that I worried my room mate would worry about my sanity. I had to run out to use the toilet to avoid having an accident, I laughed that hard.
Then I found myself torn. Her piece was brilliant. So funny, so relateable and so charming. There was no way I could tell her that. She writes better than me and she's funnier than me. What if she does an online blog and people start reading that too? What if people realise she's a funnier version of me and stop reading my blog altogether, in favour of hers?! If I'm the only one she's sent this to, then hopefully my critique will be enough to stop her in her tracks. But then what if she sent it to other people (since I don't actually know what I am talking about) and they (rightfully) praise her ability. Then it will be obvious that I tried to sabotage her. And then she might do a blog about me sipping on haterade which will be even funnier than her weight loss blog and I'd be ruined!!!
What's more annoying about her article is that it reads exactly like she is. As she sent it to me, she added a disclaimer that it would be an over-exaggeration and super dramatic. As I read it, it sounded exactly like the sweetheart that I knew and I loved (I'm already talking about her in the past tense). If someone else had sent it to me, I would have known by the end of the first line that she had written it.
I, on the other hand, continue to get feedback along the lines of 'it's so funny and well written, I'm so surprised it's you'. I'm not sure if these are meant to be backhanded compliments, but I can't help but get offended that my ability to make people laugh is so shocking. Another one is 'I never knew you were this talented'. I'm never quite sure if they mean at writing, or just didn't expect me to have any talent to begin with.
She looked at me with pity in her eyes as she queried whether I had had any feedback. I watched her stutter over the words as she tried to explain that most blogs didn't have any comments so it didn't look like it was being read. I explained that most people have chosen to tell me to my face, via text or on my personal facebook page rather than to write on the site. As she gave a tight polite smile, I could tell she didn't believe me.
'Well as long as you're enjoying it'. Well, I was! Thanks for the reality check. And then 12 hours later, in swoops Ngozi 2.0, the updated, funnier and more refined version.
Today just wasn't my day.
I started this blog purely out of frustration after losing a sock. (Update: This sock has since been found and reunited with it's sole mate). My house mate had suggested that I start writing down the things that upset me so they don't build up. I'm sure she didn't mean for me to do it in such a public forum but nonetheless the blog was born. I started writing as a form of release, and found it very therapeutic. In order to make my posts appealing to others, I had to apply a comical tone to it which forced me to see the funnier side to things. In turn this made me change the way I see the things that irritate me. And when I can't, I just blog about it and by the end of the post I've got it out of my system.
But as the days went on, I discovered the Stats button on my page and was astounded by the numbers of visitors I was getting to the site. When my friend messaged me about including her (anonymously) in my blog, I told her she should be grateful that I even wrote about her. I was listening to N.E.R.D's song 'Rockstar' and found myself singing 'You can't be me, I'm a blogstar'. Little did I know that my friend was about to become my rival.
He tried to remind me that the initial reason I enjoyed blogging was because I found it therapeutic, but I switched off as I frantically refreshed the stats page. I find myself worrying about what to write next in case it's not interesting or its too serious. I find myself editing paragraphs and deleting lines because I worry it might offend people or be too specific to a certain demographic. I've been wanting to write a blog about black hair dressers (trust me, it's a whole different world) but I worry that it won't appeal to the masses.
I'm starting to feel like a star that has lost sight of why she started writing in the first place, and like it's only a matter of time before I am checked into rehab.
I try to keep myself grounded despite friends messaging me to say 'remember me when you're famous'. I've been encouraged to get advertisers on my page to make money, and one friend suggested that I could start getting paid to blog. I replied with a modest 'Lil ol' me? Don't be silly' but in my head, I was rubbing shoulders with Beyonce as she begged me to blog about her tour.
It was this megalomania that brought me to the brink of peeing on my friend's wall. I even toyed with the idea of re-writing it (so she can't accuse me of plagarism) and publishing it before she got a chance to.
I remembered some crap that someone once told me 'blowing out someone else's candle won't make yours shine any brighter'. Well actually, if it's dark then it probably would make my candle brighter since it would be the only light source. And secondly, the point is, only my candle would be burning so its a win-win however you look at it.
But I couldn't do it. I found myself drowning her in praises and encouraging her to share her talent with the world. Her brilliance shouldn't be hidden, and especially not because of my insecurity.
One of the things that I like about the feedback I get from blogging is when people tell me they can relate or that they have the same thoughts/feelings. It's nice to know that I'm not weird, or at least that I am in strange company. It reminds me that even if I'm on my own, I'm not alone in my thinking.
Nothing makes my day more than making people laugh and I love when people let me know that reading my post made them smile. My friend had the ability to make me incontinent with laughter and that's one of the greatest gifts of all. Laughter really is the best medicine, and the world could definitely use more of it.