I realise I have been slacking a bit lately and I will do my best to change that. I have had good reasons though!
In recent weeks, probably with the change of weather, I've found myself in a foul mood on most days. As a result, I haven't wanted to pretend to be jolly online or try and cheer other people up when I was in real need of a laugh. One of the good things about blogging is that it has forced me to try and see the comical side to most things but there are some days when it just doesn't feel like anything is all that funny. And let me tell you, I can throw one hell of a pity party. Sometimes, I don't want to cheer up! I want to wallow in self pity and 'woe is me' all over the shop. Trying to be positive takes all the fun out of being a moody cow, so I stuck with the negativity for a bit longer than I should have.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better now so hopefully I am in a better position to try and shine some light for anyone in a dark mood.
Another reason that the posts have become fewer and far between is because I just haven't had the time or energy to write any. I have found myself back in a mundane routine of work, gym, eat and sleep. But most nights, the sleep evades me or creeps up on me at stupid o'clock. I either fall asleep for an hour at 6pm and then not again till 6 am or I fall asleep around midnight and wake up at 5am and wait for my alarm to go off. I do that stupid thing where I am busting to pee but I don't want to get myself up and out of bed because then I'll really wake up. So instead, I clench my legs together and tell my mind and body to go back to sleep because I don't have much time left before work starts beckoning. This intense pressure on my bladder and my mind, obviously, has the opposite effect meaning that I then lie awake for a further two hours in extreme discomfort wondering why I didn't just get up when I first woke up as chances are, I'd have had enough time to fall back into (at least) a light sleep.
I've also struggling to write because I've felt less inspired. It's not that people annoy me less, it's probably that I get so frustrated that I don't know where to begin. Or there are soooo many little things that there just isn't the time to dedicate a post to each.
As I type this, I have four other draft posts that I have yet to finish. As the queen of digression, I find myself distracted by the Apprentice, Sons of Anarchy or TOWIE. Or I worry that people may not be as interested in the post or it may be too specific and leave people out which may lead to them not reading my blog anymore.
Today, I remembered that I didn't start my blog to get followers. I started with literally nothing in mind. It was only going to be a facebook status but as usual, I had too much to say. Then I was only going to show it to my family so they could join in the pain of losing socks with me. I can't even remember why I published it online in all honesty, but I never did it thinking I would get thousands of viewers to the page.
So I've decided that I will continue as I started, with no real focus or goal. Maybe something funny and/or interesting will come out of it, maybe not. Maybe I'll get more readers, maybe I'll lose some. Bottom line is, I'll be able to express myself and that's the most important thing (after me).
For the last few weeks, I've been craving spaghetti bolognese. I generally try to avoid carbs but I decided to indulge myself today. I went to the shop and not only was the mince on offer, but so was the sauce. Since it was clearly a sign, I bought them and hurried home to chow down. As I poured the sauce in, I realised that I must have picked up a mutated jar of Dolmio. There were massive chunks of grey matter in the sauce.
I turned the jar round to see the label and realised that someone had played a trick on me. Somewhere between putting the jar in my basket and taking it out at home, my jar of Dolmio bolognese sauce with extra onions and garlic had been swapped with this mushroom abomination. I hate mushrooms with a passion, so there was no way I picked it up. Plus I saw the words 'extra onion and garlic' because I remember thinking 'I hope I don't smell tomorrow'.
This has happened to me before. I parked on a street in Croydon and checked the sign which stated 'charges apply Monday - Saturday 8am - 8pm'. Since it was Sunday, I locked my car door and skipped off to lunch. When I came back to my car, not only had a traffic warden decorated my wind screen with a ticket, he had also changed the sign so it now stated that parking charges applied 'Monday - Sunday'. I'm telling you, something is out to get me!
Anyway, I picked out the disgusting fungus which left me with about 3 tablespoons worth of tomato sauce so I had to pad out the sauce and smother the plate with cheese to disguise any potential mushroomy taste.
After working my butt off at the gym (not literally, since there's just so much of it), it was nice to treat myself to a cheat meal.
It's reminded me that it's the little things that make a difference. It's all the little things that tend to get under my skin and irritate me. It's all the little things that I start to let pile up until it becomes a big mountain that gets too difficult for me to get over. But it's also the little things that can make life that little bit more bearable. I have a colleague that has recently taken to leaving me little chocolate treats on my desk. Yes, I'll get fat, but the point is, I'll be happy doing so. My brother and I have decided to start a little ritual of watching the Apprentice together and we have a grand time cussing everyone out. It's my little hump day treat and I look forward to opening up a verbal can of whoop ass.
I was talking to my house mate last night and we were both saying how different things are to how we thought they would be at our age. One of the things she was concerned about is that she had yet to find her place or passion in life like some of her other friends had. She loves helping people and is very creative, but every time she makes something, people try to get her to sell it which then puts her off. It made me think of the comments people made about me getting advertisers on the blog so I could make some extra money. This is a lovely thought and would be a dream come true, if a living could be made out of it, but that's not why I started the blog. And I allowed myself to get distracted by the pressure of drumming up numbers and readership instead of enjoying the ability to rant and vent. I told my house mate something that I need to take on board myself. Not everything we do in life has to have a great purpose or reason. Sometimes, we can do something just because it makes us happy or we enjoy it. Over thinking everything or turning it into a deep or meaningful thing can detract from the very reason why we do something. It can have the opposite affect and make you not want to do it any more. For example, I love the sense of accomplishment I feel after a gym session. But the minute I decide to work out with the aim of losing weight, I dread exercise and automatically want to be anywhere but there. However, just doing as part of a healthy lifestyle, I don't even think about it. I love singing, but the moment I try to take it seriously, I work myself up into such a state that I then refuse to sing (even in the shower or in my car) for months.
I've decided that at least once a day, I'm going to do one thing that makes me smile. My check list will be:
- Will it make me happy?
- Will it hurt anyone else?
- Will it cause me any harm?
As long as the answer to the first question is yes, then it's all good. On a serious note, sometimes we need to be a little selfish. It's important to look after yourself, if for no other reason than a broken unhappy you will be of little benefit to anyone else.
What have you done for you lately?