I found myself talking to a friend of a friend last week and it was so awkward, it became painful.
Me: Hi
Her: Silence
Me: Hi
Her: Silence
Me: HELLLOOOO
Her: Oh hi, I thought you were [insert friend's name here].
(I'm not sure why she was ignoring her friend but anyways...)
Me: So how are you?
Her: Fine
Me: *customary pause as I wait for her to ask me back*
Her: *turns her back to me*
(don't ask me why I continued but I rarely back down to a challenge).
Me: So how's your day been?
Her: Fine
*tumbleweed rolls in between us as she refuses to inquire about my day*
Me: Oooh what you eating, it smells lovely?!
Her: *half smiles and turns her back to me again*
Me: *walk out of the room*
There's no point flogging a dead horse, and this horse had been decapitated before being thrown off the side of the sinking ship that was this conversation.
I really don't understand people who can't converse. If you can't think of what to say, you can literally just repeat back what the person just asked you. They won't even realise that you're just mimicking them because that's actually how most conversations go.
I would rather have my teeth pulled than go through the pain of these types of conversations. They bring out two reactions in me:
1) I pull a North face (aka bish face) as if to say 'I don't want to talk to you either, it's called being polite', which automatically makes them think I'm rude. Which I am, but I usually fake being nice until I know them well enough to start wearing them down with abuse.
2) I go into overdrive to fill the awkward silences and proceed to over share the most personal details of my life, giving the impression of being crazy and dis-inhibited. Which, again, is fairly accurate but I like to give it a few months before I release the crazy.
My most awkward conversation was probably made worse by the fact that it took me a long time to even realise that it was awkward or why.
I had met up with an friend and was excited to tell her that I had recently seen her parents at the gym. She was surprised, stating that her dad never goes to the gym, but I was adamant as I had recognised her mum and the man with her looked similar to her dad. As I described the encounter, my friend's face fell and she became silent. I thought maybe she was having a really weird version of PMS but as she grew pale, I worried that something more serious was going on. Once it became so uncomfortable that I was about to make an Ngozi shaped hole in wall, I asked her what was going. It transpired that I had seen her mum, but the man she was with was the man that she had been cheating on my friend's dad with. An affair that she had promised she stopped. I then tried to back track, saying I wasn't wearing my glasses and I get confused when I work out due to exertion but we had switched roles and now she was positive I had seen her mum. When I tried to say that the man looked very much like her dad, she replied that there was an uncanny resemblance between the two men but the difference is that her dad wouldn't go to the gym.
For the first time in my life, I was speechless. I haven't seen that friend since and this happened about 4 years ago. It was before the days of hashtags but it had never been more appropriate.
Which is probably made worse by the fact that I am one of those people who doesn't realise when I'm laughing or speaking outloud. So I'll remember something funny (usually something I said of course) and burst out laughing, just for the whole packed train (including the men I had spurned) to stare at me. I used to make sure that I had my phone in my hand so they would assume that I was laughing at something I read or saw. But now I have an Iphone 6 I leave it in my bag for fear of breaking it or someone trying to steal it.
Another one of my fine moments, is when I talk back to people that weren't talking to me in the first place. Handsfree headsets are the bane of my existence. When they first got introduced, I could never tell if someone was talking to me or they were just crazy. And after speaking to them and getting a look of perplexity, I realise that it was neither. The other day I was answering my brother's questions only to turn around and find that he was talking to google. Between that and the Siri's of the world, I have to pretend to be a snob just to avoid embarrassing myself (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).
Don't you hate when you lend someone money (or something valuable) and they just won't give it back. Every time you see them, they snap their fingers in your face and say 'you must remind me to give you X back'. Why? Why must I? Why can't you remember you nitwit? Better yet, fix up so you don't need to borrow from me in the first place.
Even worse are the ones who pretend to forget you even gave them the money. At least the other guys have the decency to feign stupidity. These ones just look at you as if you're crazy. Then when they eventually remember, they give you that look as if to say 'It was only £10 but if you're going to be so precious about it, I guess I'll pay you back'. I hate when people make you feel petty about something they owe you. It's just not fair. Then you have to weigh up potentially ruining a friendship over something that won't necessarily break the bank but is enough that it makes a difference to you. £10 is lunch for the week or a nice bit of takeaway or a handbag from Primark. Bottom line is, it ain't yours so gimme it back!
But the type of awkward conversation I hate the most, is when someone is meant to be doing you a favour. But takes forever to do it. You know, when it's taken so long that you keep having to say 'don't worry about it, just give me X back so I can sort it'. Then the person who was available every day is suddenly Paris freaking Hilton and you can't get hold of them. But you can't get angry with them because:
1) They were trying to do a nice thing
2) They still have your stuff
3) You're secretly hoping that all your asking will guilt trip them into actually doing what they said they would do for you.
So basically, all conversation is pretty awkward. It's no wonder that people are choosing to communicate via and hide behind computer screens. Unless you're like me and just end up shouting at your laptop. But I tell you, I've had the best conversations that way because it either doesn't answer back or I can manipulate it so that Michael Fassbender/Idris Elba/ Beyonce are chatting to me.
You're probably thinking what's really #awkward is that this chick doesn't know she loco! Well I love my crazy world and so do you, otherwise you wouldn't still be reading my blog!
And speaking of awkward, it's time for us to have THAT conversation. You know, you read my posts almost daily, you know my innermost thoughts...I think it's time that we made it official. Facebook official. In just two clicks, you can tell the world that you like me (see top of page). And then my manager won't be tempted to have me sectioned every time I try to convince her that thousands of people have viewed my blog. And just once in a while, I'd love to hear how you feel about me (well only if it's nice). That comments section isn't just there to fill the space guys so please feel free to show me some love :-)