Additionally, during this time, season 3 of House of Cards came out on Netflix so that took priority for the few days it took me to complete the whole thing. One of the very few things I dislike about myself is how absorbed I can get in something, then I oversaturate myself in it (how ironic that I communicate that via blogging). I love the show and moderation is not one of my strong points so I obviously finished it almost immediately. I was proud of myself that I managed to stretch it out of 4-5 days but I hadn't prepared myself for the sadness that would come when the TV show ended and I realised I had to wait till February 2016 for the next one. I thought I'd learned my lesson from watching Orange is the New Black in the space of 48 hours but I approach my TV shows like I do my food, in excess.
I hate when I plan or try to do something and then the very opposite happens. Like when I vow that I will eat clean for at least a month straight and then the very next day, someone brings in chocolate cake which I have to eat (I was raised to be polite after all). Or when I increase my exercise intensity hoping to shrink my legs and waist and instead my bum gets bigger (albeit lifted and more firm) and my knees give out. Even worse is when I get up and decide to have a lazy day and then some jobsworth reminds me that I am paid to do some work. Who asked you Buzz Killington?! Maybe if YOU were doing YOUR job then you wouldn't have time to watch me!
I'm not sure if I struggle with pacing myself because knowing how to moderate yourself is actually a really grown up thing to be able to do. I'm really not there yet. (Just the other day my mum said no to me and I found myself stamping my feet in an effort to get her to see things my way).
I've seen my lovely nephew power through a bag of sweets to the point of throwing up. I remember looking at him and thinking, surely the pain in your stomach should have been an indication of when to stop. But the pleasure from the sweet taste of the skittles just cancelled that out for him until it reversed itself all over his t-shirt and the living room floor. It's easy for me to look at him and shake my head but I often don't know when to stop. Like when Netflix uploads an entire season of a TV show. What else am I to do but watch it in one go?!
It wasn't even about moderation in the end, it was just a way of delaying the inevitable, which was doing adult related things. I started the day knowing I had some admin things to take care of, a GP check up to arrange, a blog post to compose, food shopping to do, a Mother's Day gift to buy and housework to do. Watching the show allowed me to prevent being responsible for another four hours before my hunger overrode my laziness and I had to go to the supermarket. And then straight back to bed to carry on watching shows with food in hand.
My issue is that every time I do a grown up thing, I feel like its such an accomplishment that I then need to reward myself. I am a firm believer in positive reinforcement and credit where credit is due. So I tend to create a cycle like this:
I have cooked a healthy meal every day this week and not wasted money on takeaway ---> I should celebrate by treating myself to a nice takeaway ----> I have washed up the dishes and taken the bin out so as not to attract any unwanted visitors ---> I am being so responsible, that clearly earns me some dessert.
And then on the days when I don't achieve as much, I need to comfort myself which tends to look like this.
I meant to save some money this month ---> but there's no point saving that little so I might as well buy that cute dress I saw ----> Dress looks cute and now I feel better ---> Let me check my account to make sure I have enough money left till payday ---> That's all I have left?! ---> Now I feel sad ----> Retail therapy is the best kind of therapy so I might as well buy the shoes that will match this new dress.
Most of the time though, my reward is not doing any more things. Once I have ticked one or two things off my list (which also includes writing the list), I feel as if I have earned the right to a break. After all, my mind and body need time to recover from the responsibility of being a responsible adult. The problem then becomes that my recovery time is much longer than my times of productivity meaning I am doing a lot less in an even shorter space of time, causing the need to do more things to continue to increase as I fail to do them. A dangerous consequence of this is that I go into adult mode and manage to complete everything that I had planned to do. This sounds like the reasonable response, but it causes me to feel exhausted and I end up prostrate on my bedroom floor. A 5 minute break for some turns into 5 weeks for me, and my period of incapacity leads to an insurmountable amount of adult type things to do. So I surf the internet instead.