This got me thinking about how independent (or dependent) I am as a person. I guess, technically, my independence day would be my birthday, as that was my public liberation from my mother's womb.
I think of myself as a strong and independent woman, but when I feel ill, the only place I want to be is in my mum's bed. If I have an important decision to make, I will always use my mother as a sounding board before I follow through. Even if I don't listen to what she tells me (which is most of the time), I wouldn't feel comfortable without running it by her.
I haven't lived at the familial home for two years now but I still use that address on all my official documents and records. When I refer to 'home', it's my mum's house I am talking about. My mum will always be my home base.
But part of the reason I moved out two years ago was to get some independence for myself.
I have lived with someone who seemed to think I was her cleaner or at best, her mother. Every time I went to the sink, she'd have left a nice pile of dirty plates in the sink for me to wash up.
I'm far from OCD about cleaning but I detest dirty plates in the sink. I believe that if you had enough energy to walk to the sink, then you might as well finish the job by washing them up. Otherwise, leave your filth in your room where I don't have to look at it.
Because I don't like plates in the sink, I found myself washing up every time I entered the kitchen. I would go back to be faced with yet another sink load of dishes to be washed. What made it more irritating, is that I would find the very plates I had JUST washed, soiled and waiting in the sink again. If she was planning to reuse the same plates and pans, why leave them in the sink in the first place?! It was like my very own washing up ground hog day. I was tempted to inform her that Fairy is a washing up liquid, rather than a creature that comes out to clean your plates when you pile them up the sink.
I started a silent protest and stopped washing up her dishes, but the sink was so full that it made me unable to wash mine. By the time I would pile up them up by the side of the sink, it would have been quicker just to wash them. Then, the sight of the dishes upset me so much that I took to walking around with the eye closest to the pile pressed tightly shut so I wouldn't see it. As you can imagine, after walking into one kitchen cupboard too many, I gave this up.
This girl would take pictures of offending items and send them to us over Whatsapp (messaging app). I would be at work when my phone would start having an attack as I was sent a photo album's worth of pictures of the sink. One day, instead of taking out a bin that was almost to it's limit, she sent us a picture and complained about it instead. It was still there when I returned home 6 hours later. Another day, we were frogmarched to the living room where she proceeded to rub her finger across the TV to show us the minuscule dust particles that had accumulated in the last couple of days since it's dusting.
I went from having a dependent to feeling like my all my independence had been taken from me. I had more freedom in my mum's home than under this lunatic that I'd known for 5 minutes.
The only time she was happy was when a man was involved. Unfortunately, due to her disposition, this didn't happen often. She would sit on the sofa every Saturday and cry that she couldn't find a partner, and should not be sat at home with nothing to do when she was so beautiful. It took every fibre of my being to resist the urge to suggest that she dust the TV that she was crying in front of.
Life is much better with people in it. Provided that they are the right people. I have been in relationships where the other person had the ability to induce euphoria, but was just as gifted in causing despair. I have seen friends try their hardest to change everything about the person they are with. When that fails, they try to change everything about themselves. They try and change just about everything under the sun, except for the most obvious thing. Their partner. Then, they continue to stay because they get scared that they will have spent all their years nitpicking for nothing, and that time has passed them by so if they were to leave, they probably wouldn't get much better. It is that very fear that gives the partner/relationship power over the individual.
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. - Alice Walker
The day you realise that there is no one in this life that you need, will be the day you are set free. Before you start thinking that there's an ice box where my heart should be, let me make it clear that there are a number of people that I would never want to live without. But breathing, walking and even peeing would remain the same. My body will continue to do all the necessary things with or without anyone else in my life. I will not drop dead because someone is dumb enough to not want to be my friend any more. I will be okay. You will be okay. And even when we wish anything but, the other person will also be okay.
The very thing that makes moving on the hardest, is the thing that lets you know you can do it. At the end of my last relationship, I couldn't understand why everyone else was continuing as normal when my world was falling apart. But that's because life goes on, and so will you.
Following the sad passing of Robin Williams, a quote that resonated with me was as below.
It's actually other people that make us doubt ourselves. It's standing next to others that make you wonder if you're too fat or too skinny. It's hearing other people's opinions that make you apprehensive about your own.
Left to you alone, you're fabulous. How many times do you have arguments where you are adamant that you are right? How many times have you looked back at an old photo where you cringed at your hair or your outfit? But at the time you thought you were working it out *finger snaps three times*. How many times are you sure that you know the answer to a question, until someone gives you alternatives.
You have your own brain, eyes, ears and mouth for a reason. Trust your thinking, and after that, do your speaking. As long as you have faith in yourself, you will have true freedom and power.
“People have only as much liberty as they have the intelligence to want and the courage to take.”
― Emma Goldman
Happy Independence Day!