On my phone, tablet and laptop, the most visited sites are the daily mail's showbiz section, perezhilton.com and tmz.
I can't tell you if Scotland decided to separate from Great Britain but I can tell you the names of all the guys Taylor Swift broke up with this week. I have no idea what's going on in Gaza but I can give you hourly updates on news from Hollywood.
If anything happens within a 5 mile radius of this person, it will be broadcast to everyone in that vicinity immediately. She takes her job so seriously that she has no indoor voice, permanently speaking as if she's the town crier. Just in case you didn't answer your phone, read her text, see her fb/twitter status update, she shouts her way through conversations to ensure that the message is heard by all.
As much as I like getting the inside scoop on everyone's business, it makes me weary of telling her anything about myself. Before I've finished turning around, the people in front of me will already know my news.
She's verbose with such flair that I feel like I'm watching a theatre show every time we speak. She's so dramatic that she looks like a parody of herself. She's one of those people who not only knows everything first, but feels life in the most extreme of terms. If you had a bad day at work, you can guarantee hers will have been horrendous. If you had a pleasant holiday, she will let you know that she's just come back from paradise.
When I first met her, I found her amateur theatrics so frustrating that I used to hide from her. I only started speaking to her because of our mutual friend. Now I find the way she does things so comical, I've actually grown to like her. She's like medication. It gets into your system because of something you don't want, but after a while you come to depend on it.
When I don't see her for a while, I start to get withdrawal symptoms. How will I know what Jenny had for breakfast this morning?! Luckily, there's always Instagram which seems to exist for the sole purpose of food pics and selfies. I was horrified to see Groupon doing a deal on a 'selfie stick'. I guess that way, people can see right down to the back of your throat as you post a #StuffingMyselfSilly selfie.
But I look at the bikini photos in the hope that in at least one of them, I'll see some slight imperfection so I can say 'see, we're just the same!' Well, really I think 'ha! You're not so great after all' but I'm trying to seem less petty than I actually am.
I watch successful Hollywood marriages (those lasting 4 months and above) and patiently wait for the divorce announcement so I can say 'I knew it wouldn't last'.
I experience no sympathy for WAGs when I read that yet another one has been cheated on. Surely you would only marry a sportsman if you endorse infidelity or you're a masochist. But maybe I should admire their innocence, their faith in love and belief that people can change. Or at least admire that the fact that they can buy their way out of their pain.
I'm at my happiest when I go clothes shopping. I'm like a kid, wanting to wear all of them at once. When my brother tries to convince me to pimp myself out to a footballer so that he can get free tickets, the only reason I say no is because of my extreme hatred of the sport. Knowing that I would have to take a break from shopping to watch a match or two is enough to put me off.
But I hate when people say that to make me feel guilty. Like when parents encourage you to finish your food on the basis that there are kids starving in other countries. Finishing my food will not make them any less hungry.
Or people who say 'well, it could be worse!' Well equally, it could be better and that's the point I'm trying to make. But it is what it is so keep your 'could be' to yourself! Yes, I know it's all about perspective, but I can only see from my own and that's the problem!
As much as I can feel a teeny bit better when I see someone worse off than me, I feel so much better to see the people I care about succeed. I walked with such swagger when my twin graduated from medical school, that people thought that I was the qualified doctor.
I don't root for people to fail. Their lack of achievement doesn't add to my abilities in any way. So it makes more sense for me to support people to succeed. That way, when they get rich, I can emotionally blackmail them into buying me new things.