Before the 45 minutes of trailers and adverts had finished, I had enough material for a series. The main trigger was the genius who sat still for that whole time period and then as soon as the movie started, he decided that would be the best time to get up and use the toilet. Of course, he was right in front of me and couldn't seem to figure out how to put one leg in front of the other so the opening scene was blocked out by his unnecessarily large head (I say unnecessary because it was clearly empty).
Once my view of the screen was restored, someone behind me thought that it was a good time to take a year to open up a bag of toffee popcorn. Why is almost all cinema food noisy?! Popcorn and nachos are some of the noisiest foods to eat, so why are they standard cinema options? Why would you even choose to eat them, if I can't hear the film over the sound of the crunching then surely you have just spent £15 to provide your very own soundtrack to a film. And in case you decide to eat chocolates or sweets instead, in the hope of not drowning out the film with your muching, they are packaged in annoyingly noisy plastic and paper bags so you can make your own contribution to the film score. And the slurpers! I understand that your £20 drink should at least quench your thirst but when it's gone, it's gone. No amount of sucking is going to produce anymore liquid for you.
Even more irritating than the loud consumption of food and beverages are the people who make their annoyance known by tutting loudly and intermittently throughout the film. The 'tsk' sounds are usually accompanied by a sharp turn of the neck with a slight pause before slowly turning their head back to the screen. This is actually equally, if not more distracting than the sound they are protesting. I used to go to the cinema with a girl that claimed to suffer from misophonia. This is an extreme intolerance of noises. Although the smart thing would have been to avoid cinemas altogether, she insisted on going and complaining about the sounds of mere breathing throughout every screening. In fact, it's only since not going to the cinema with her and her rants that I've even noticed just how loud people do eat.
I went to see Maleficent when it came out and sat nearby me was a little girl who took it upon herself to commentate the entire film. I'm not sure if she thought the screening was for the visually impaired so she proceeded to provide descriptions of what was happening for all to hear. I get that it was a kids movie, but it was a 12A and this girl was approximately 7 going on 2. She had no filter and no indoor voice whatsoever. I actually got concerned that she was there on her own since no one seemed to be telling her to be quiet. But at the end, I could see her negligent mother sitting a few seats away. She was clearly embarassed by her daughter but not enough to keep her in the house so the rest of us wouldn't have to suffer.
In every film screening, there is always that one person who doesn't understand that not everyone wants to hear what they have to say. They either speak as loudly as if they were watching it at home, or they use that type of whispered tone which is usually louder than if they just spoke normally. And this whisperer, is usually the same idiot that has a friend who already told them the ending so they announce it to the cinema.
Some years ago, just after buying tickets to see I am legend, my friend bumped into a colleague who decided to tell us the ending right before we went in. I actually wished I was a zombie just so I could rip him apart and eat him. And no, I don't think that's a disproportionate response at all. No one asked his opinion let alone for the ending. Luckily for him, I never saw him again but he's on my hitlist.
Along with the disgruntled cinema employee who let me and my friend walk in to see the ending of a film. We went to watch Public Enemies and arrived 10 minutes before the film was due to start. We walked in thinking the trailers were playing, as the employee watched us go in and said nothing. Within the first few seconds, we realised we were watching the last few scenes of the film but were too embarrassed to move. So we sat down until the cinema emptied and decided we'd hide out until our actual screening started. Then walks in the same fool who let us ruin the movie for ourselves to let us know that we had to leave so the cinema could be cleaned up. If cinema food didn't almost cost the same as my rent, know that I would have emptied the tub of popcorn on her feet for her to sweep up. Instead, I was extremely english about it and said 'certainly' to her face but continued to complain about it for the next 5 years.
This was all going through my head when I was rudely elbowed off the arm rest causing me to slap my hand with my face. I hate wrestling for the arm rest, especially when it's with the person I came with. Men are always stronger and win! They get all the leg room and the arm! It's just not fair.
Ooh and whilst I'm ranting, the cinema is not the place for sick people! Fair enough if the film has made you cry (the Lion King anyone?!) but coughing all over the place is not cool! Unless it's to stop that couple using the cinema as a hotel.
- The Talker
- The Snacker (also includes the slurpers)
- The Texter
- The Whisperer
- The Interrogator (the one that spends more time asking questions than watching the film)
- The Toilet Goer (if you know you a have a weak bladder, go for the aisle seat and avoid drinks!)
- The Face Suckers (see above pic)
- The Drama Queen (loud over reactions to everything on screen)
- The Late Comer (even crouching down, you're taller than a seated me so yes, you're still blocking my way!)
- The Spoiler Alerters
- The Snorers (why my mum stopped going to the cinema)
- The Parent (for non kid movies! Stream it at home if you can't find a baby sitter!)
- The Perfect (me of course!)
Which one(s) describe you?